054 – Are Your Expectations Holding You Hostage?

Giorgio: [00:00:00] Change your perception of what you're looking at and everything changes. Hey, my name is Giorgio Genis and this is the how to do life podcast. If you've ever felt that no matter what you try something is missing, then you're in the right place. My aim in this podcast is to begin filling in those blanks for you.

So open your mind and get ready because I'm about to show you an entirely different way to live your life. And once you've seen it, you can't unsee it. So let's get started.

All right, welcome to another episode. This particular episode I want to talk about expectations. This is a really interesting area of our psychology and different areas of our life because It influences a lot of the various emotions that we experience.

One of the biggest ones that we tend to experience is disappointment. And I find that disappointment is just that it's [00:01:00] an unmet expectation. And so whenever I have conversations with clients or I've had to navigate this in my own life, I found that whenever I've been wrestling with some particular emotion that's going on for me, That's a negative emotion.

I can trace it back to a expectation that I was carrying about how the event, how the individual or how I was going to show up or how it was going to unfold. And so I've spent a lot of time exploring expectations, my own and other people's expectations. And I find that whenever I give people the framework of understanding expectations the way I've come to understand them, It tends to be empowering.

So I thought I might give it to you. Now, the best metaphor or analogy that I can give when it comes to expectations is using high jump. So, you know, it's [00:02:00] 2024. We've recently had the Olympics a few months ago, and you've got the high jump sport where you are running down the track, and then you've got to jump over that high jump bar.

Now, I want you to imagine for a sec that. You're the best height that you can jump is eight meters high every time you run down you get a jump and every time you jump you hit the eight meter mark but the high jumper is actually set to eight and a half meters right which forgive me for my US audience I don't know what that is in feet but it's relatively high just imagine that right so the actual distance of the height isn't important but the number is so.

You're jumping at eight meters, and you're looking at eight and a half meters, which is about a two foot difference between the two heights, and [00:03:00] you jump, every time you jump, you hit eight meters, but you've got the high jump bar set at eight and a half meters. Now, if you keep jumping, and you keep falling under that bar, you're going to experience a range of emotions, typically negative ones.

You will feel like a failure. You will beat yourself up. You will start to feel down. You'll probably even experience doubt and insecurity about your ability to perform. But then if I take that high jump bar and I drop that high jump bar down to seven and a half meters. which is about two feet lower than what you know you can jump because you know you can jump at eight and then you start making a run for it and you make the jump and you keep making it over the bar.

How do you think you're going to feel in those circumstances? You're probably going to feel confident, have a sense of self belief, experience a sense of that you're able to perform and deliver and [00:04:00] even come away with a sense of trust. Now in both situations you were jumping at eight meters. What we were changing was what you are measuring yourself against which was the high jumper that's your reference point and you can think of the high jump bars what your expectations are in these particular moments and so with expectations we tend to be very rigid once we fix an expectation in place.

We assume that ourselves, other people, and the world will conform to what our expectations are, and everything will just come to meet the high jump bar at eight and a half meters, if that's where we set it. But then, life has a funny way of working, and tends to not necessarily conform to our view of the world, and has its own way of operating.

And as a result we then experience disappointment and maybe even frustration and anger because [00:05:00] the experience is not conforming to the expectation that we said and so it becomes a question of well you can't change the experience you you can't alter the experience in the way it's unfolding. You can alter your expectation so think of one is being rigid and the other one being malleable and flexible what most people do is they try to adjust and mold and change the thing that is fixed and fix the thing that is malleable and flexible.

Which is kind of ironic when you take a step back and go well that's actually kind of obvious when you stop and think about it. But most people don't stop and think about it because they're too busy getting caught up in the frustration. But they just want this fixed experience to shift into change so i'm gonna do everything i can to manipulate it and try and overpower to muscle it to get the result that i'm trying to get we see this in all areas of life we see it in people's [00:06:00] finances where people won't change the way they spend but they'll try and change how much money they earn rather than just living within their means and then suddenly.

It provides a lot of wealth because they can save and invest the difference, and people will blame economic situations or circumstances rather than, you know, you can't change the economy, an individual cannot change the economy as much as they'd like to think they can, but you can change the way you spend your money, you can change the way you live.

Show you can change where you work you can also change what you buy or how much you buy or if you buy at all and so the same is true when it comes to relationships too often people are trying to change somebody else relative to them rather than just working on their inner world and how they're perceiving a situation how they feel about a situation.

And the reason is, it feels like the external person is the problem, but the internal issue is not a problem. And so, well, I, I'm gonna [00:07:00] do everything I can to try and change what I believe is the problem, rather than change the way I see it. Change how i'm approaching the circumstance the list goes on and on we see this with work dynamics we see this with job applications it shows up in so many different areas including business a lot of business owners will have expectations of the way things should go in the business the way the team should perform the way they think the team should be operating what the team dynamic should be what kind of revenue marks they hit and checkpoints they hit.

And if they're not willing to alter their expectations, a lot of business owners that I've worked with and CEOs and, um, top leaders, if they don't change their expectations, they experience a lot of frustration and that frustration then starts to bleed through to their team, their team pick up on it and they take that frustration home and their family picks up on it or their partner might.

So we see that expectations affect most people in all different areas of [00:08:00] life. And so it becomes a question of, are you willing to be adaptable with your expectations? Now, most people's response to that is immediately no, especially if they're experiencing frustration. They don't want to change their expectation.

They believe the circumstance needs to change to fit and conform to our expectation. But that just increases the level of frustration, disappointment, and then eventually that will turn into despair and apathy if you drag that out long enough. I don't see people getting a lot of value from being fixed and rigid with their expectation.

What I do find though, is that Is people tend to experience a greater sense of fulfillment and gratitude when they're willing to alter and be flexible with their expectation so my suggestion is to be adaptable be as adaptable as possible with your expectations because you will find that the more adaptable you are the more likely you are to find opportunities that most of the people overlooking [00:09:00] because what happens is when you.

On what your expectation is and you're trying to force it onto the circumstances you become so narrow minded that you don't see the potential opportunity about how to navigate the obstacle so as an analogy if you imagine driving or walking down a path and then you come across an obstacle it's like a tree a dead tree that's knocked over and is blocking the path if you become.

Very rigid about this path being the only way to get to your destination and there is no other way you start to develop tunnel vision in terms of the solutions that you see in the solutions that you don't see and that has you very fixed and focused and then that kind of leads into a we could call it a scarcity mindset there's a scarcity of options a scarcity of solutions.

And as a result, you just really narrowed in on it and you can't see anything else. Whereas if you're like, okay, that was unexpected. Didn't see that one coming. [00:10:00] Certainly didn't plan for it. Let's take a step back and see what other options we've got. And then suddenly you're like, well, I could call a helicopter in, carry us past this and onto our destination.

I could see if I can go and find a chainsaw and cut this thing up. I could call a fire brigade to come in and see if they can cut it up and get it off the road. Cause that needs to happen anyway. And about 20 other different options that I'm not thinking of in this particular moment that probably exist, like climbing over it or taking the car back and walking instead.

There are so many different options that you can think of when you're not attached to your expectation. So being adaptable allows you to think of opportunities that others don't. And maybe you've been in a situation where that's happened, where you've been working with others or somebody else, Whether it's in your personal life or professionally and you come up against an obstacle or a challenge and then someone comes up with a great idea which is the solution to the problem.[00:11:00]

It's not that that person has brilliant ideas, sorry, it's more that they're not attached to the outcome so they're more open to being flexible and adaptable with their expectations. Which allows different ideas to come to them that may support them in finding a solution and so they'll just, you know, they'll kind of share things that come to them and they seem almost nonchalant about it, but the idea comes and it's a great idea and it actually solves the problem that usually happens because there isn't this tunnel vision and being fixed on expectations and being caught up in the disappointment of it the way some people interpret what I say here is that.

They decide to carry no expectations, um, or have really low expectations. I hear it with a mixture of different people and there's an interesting common thread that I see amongst all of them, which is they tend to be people that are bruised or [00:12:00] wounded by some past experience. Where expectations weren't met by other people and so they developed disbelief and you've probably heard variations of this in movies, where there's that character that's like, it's better to have no expectations at all.

So you avoid disappointment. MJ in the Spider Man movies, the more recent Spider Man movies, but Tom Holland sort of carries that attitude and that view on life, that it's best to have low expectations because people are just going to disappoint you or having no expectations. And they tend to be a little bit bitter about life.

I'm not about that. That's not a way to live because what that's actually doing is it's expecting pain, you're expecting some kind of pain or disappointment, even though they're saying consciously, I don't, what they're actually doing is they expect to be disappointed by people. So they're like, how can I reduce the possibility of them hurting me?

It's by carrying no expectation. [00:13:00] Meanwhile, unconsciously and subversively or subliminally. They are believing that they're going to experience some kind of pain. So the best thing you can do is not carry low or no expectations because that's unrealistic. And in reality, I haven't found anybody that has zero expectations.

And I've worked with some brilliant people in my career. The truth is, the most effective way to be and operate when it comes to expectations is to be flexible and adaptable with them. So if you do get hit with disappointment, instead of getting caught up on the disappointment, stop and reflect. Because the disappointment is just letting you know that you had an expectation that you weren't aware of.

It's an opportunity for you to reflect. Because that expectation was unconscious right up until the moment you experienced the disappointment and then suddenly the disappointment is like the check engine light saying, Hey, buddy, you've got an expectation. You didn't realize you had maybe [00:14:00] pause and reflect on that and ask yourself.

What did you expect? What were you expecting in this situation? And be honest with yourself because you'll find that it's likely that your expectation is unrealistic. And unfair, for example, one that I hear a lot when it comes to relationships is people expect their partner to just operate in a particular way because that's how partners should operate and that's the expectation that they carry personally, but their partner grew up with a different set of circumstances in a different household.

With different relationship circumstances and had a whole series of different relationships prior to you that have influenced them so there's no way they could carry the same expectations as you so your expectation is that they should be able to have the same expectations as you and deliver and also read your mind about what those expectations are and when you actually stop and think about it you're like oh that's kind of unfair maybe if i just communicated that to them.

Then they get on the same [00:15:00] page and then suddenly it would be less frustrating so when the disappointment kicks in it's an opportunity for you to reflect what is the expectation that I had and how can I be adaptable or flexible with that because sometimes actually a lot of the time we don't realize.

That we're carrying an expectation in the first place, or even what that may be. The other thing I'll say about expectations is they tend to be a self fulfilling prophecy. So if you go into a circumstance with an expectation, especially if it's a negative one, that tends to be a self fulfilling prophecy, because the way you show up in a dynamic ensures that it may not work, or it's not gonna go to plan.

For example, if you think about a business opportunity or a, or a job opportunity, You're going into a meeting with the expectation that it's probably not gonna go well it's probably not gonna end up very like it's not gonna turn out great you tend to show up in that dynamic and in the communication with a sense of defeat [00:16:00] or deflatedness maybe even apathy and as a result the your counterpart the people that you're working with in that situation whether it's.

People interviewing you, or it's people that you're trying to do business with, they pick up on that, just like you pick up on other people's vibe, and you may not necessarily be able to explain why, but something feels off, they will probably feel that way too, and as a result, you won't get the job, or the business deal won't get closed, or they'll decide to go with somebody else.

Simply because you were going in with this expectation. Well, it's probably not going to go that well anyway. So, you know, let's just do this. Let's get this over with and it's done. And so you end up creating a reality that you were expecting to unfold. That's an expectation that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

So my suggestion is again to be adaptable. You could go into those circumstances saying I'm having my doubts about whether or not this is going to work out I don't necessarily have [00:17:00] all the belief or trust that this is going to be a successful outcome but I'm open to it I'm open to this going. In any particular direction I'm open to this actually working because who knows I don't know how this meeting is going to go I can't predict the future but I can show up so again it's being open with the expectation rather than it being fixed in.

And so that tends to whenever I've suggested somebody show up to an interaction like that, that tends to lead to some kind of surprise where they, they go in with this open expectation and then things actually unfold in a really empowering and quote unquote successful way for everybody involved. And they come out going, I can't believe that actually work.

It's not because I did anything other than suggested that they be open and because they were open, they [00:18:00] showed up with a different sense of energy, and they showed up with a willingness to find a way to make it work, which led to there being an outcome that everybody was on board with. So don't allow your expectations to become self fulfilling prophecies.

Allow yourself to be open. Explore different possibilities because. You never know which way it's gonna go. Now lastly, when it comes to expectations, this one's really important, which is why I saved it to the end. It's a tool that I use, and I very creatively come up with a brilliant name to describe this tool.

I put a lot of time into this. I'm joking. I call it the expectation conversation. Now this is a tool I've given clients for many years because it served me really well and that is having a conversation about expectations with other people that you're dealing with because what can happen is other people may try to set the expectation of you and you also have expectations of the [00:19:00] opportunity or that individual and the issue is that most people don't communicate these expectations to one another and so If that's not being communicated that leaves a lot of blanks to fill in and we tend to fill in blanks with assumptions and imagination and those blanks that we fill in with assumptions and imagination tend to come from our past.

Some past experience that's not even related to this individual that has something to do with somebody else under a different context. We take that experience and we projected into this scenario assuming that it's all accurate and all of that happens between everybody involved simply because expectations when communicated so when you have an expectation conversation.

It could be really empowering for everybody what it looks like. Is for example years ago when I was working for somebody else they would come to me with can you get this done Georgia can you get this done and I kept [00:20:00] becoming this resource of this was something new that we wanted to try we want to give it to you and I think it had something to do with my willingness just to.

Tackle an opportunity or a challenge, uh, without being really rigid about it and saying, no, that's stupid. Why would we do that? Just be like, okay, sure, let's explore it. But what happened was I noticed it was earning me a reputation for being the problem solver for everything. And while I love being a problem solver, I mean, I do that professionally now.

It was i started noticing that if i wasn't able to deliver they were getting disappointed and we're expressing it and i didn't like that feeling and so when i slow down and i can reflect on what was going on i realized it was because they came in with an expectation of me and i didn't know what that expectation was and i wasn't managing that expectation because i didn't know what it was so i'd sit down whenever they said can you tackle this can you work [00:21:00] on this particular issue.

Thank you. I'd be like, sure, what, like, what are you hoping to get out of it? Like, how do you see this working? What's the outcome that you're looking for here? Just so I've got an idea of what exactly it is you need me to do. And they lay it all out to the best of their ability. And they might have some clarity on it.

Other times they'd be like, I actually don't know. I just, I want, I want you to give it a go and we'll see how it unfolds from there. So their expectations are really vague and nebulous. And so whatever answer they gave me I quickly reflect only take me a second and I do a quick check and say. Is that something I can deliver on based on what I know about myself not with arrogance or pride or hubris but a genuine sense of reflection of like and self awareness do I know that I can actually deliver on that have I delivered on something like that before.

And if it was something that I was able to deliver on and I knew I could. I'd be like, sure, I, I knew it might take me [00:22:00] three days. I'd tell them, give me a week and I'd be able to execute on that. Does a week work for you? And by asking them that question, I'm getting an understanding of what their expectation is from a timeline standpoint.

And so I'm doing everything I can to extract my understanding of all their various expectations so I can address each and every one of them and set them. So instead of them being set for me, I'm setting them and managing them. And if they're turning around saying no, a week's no good, I need you to do it by the end of today, and I know I can't get it done by the end of today.

I will then respond with, well, I can do my best. I'm expecting it to take, if I push, three days, uh, maybe two, but I don't believe that I can deliver this in a day. I didn't say, that's not possible, it can't be done in a day. I would take ownership of it and say, I don't believe that I can deliver that in a day.

Especially to the kind of quality that you would [00:23:00] expect of me. And so what I'm doing is I'm setting the expectation of what they have for me or what they want from me, which then empowers them because I'm giving them the opportunity to say, okay, well, if you can't do it in a day, I'll give it to somebody else.

They can, and I'd be like, no harm, no foul. I don't, I wasn't judging myself for that, or they'd say, you know what, we'd rather the quality that you output on that. So we'll wait. Take the three days you need, see how you go and keep me updated as you go. And so, by getting an understanding of what their expectations are, simply by asking the question, what are you expecting of me in this situation?

And then doing a gut check, can I deliver on that? Then I would tell them, if I can, look, I'm confident I can deliver on that, I think I can deal with it, and I'll do my best to nail it. In this time frame, I'd say, I don't believe that I can actually deliver on that either because I don't have the skill set to deliver on what they're asking for or it's an issue of time and I'd address whatever [00:24:00] specific challenge or hurdle that I'd see myself facing and as a result they appreciate it because they're getting clarity for me before anything has been started we're talking about a 10 minute conversation maximum but that 10 minute conversation.

Is saving a huge amount of time later and frustration and potential disappointment with all parties involved because it's all been addressed up front and now this is really important to. When it comes to expectation conversations it's not one and done you don't just have one you like a cake or all set because once things get moving and you start kind of working on whatever it is or time starts to pass.

If it's expectations within a relationship, expectations change because we as individuals change. So in a relationship, the longer you're together, the more you evolve and grow typically as individuals. And so as a [00:25:00] result of your own evolution and growth, your expectations will change, especially if you're working on yourself, which if you're here, you're somebody that does.

So as your expectations change your partner or your counterpart if it's your boss or manager or something like that their expectations have been set based on some past conversation you've had the very first expectation conversation which is great because you can point back to that conversation say remember when i set that expectation but if you haven't updated expectations.

As things have unfolded then the last conversation they've had with you is the last expectation that they've been set with and so they're still carrying their old outdated expectation and you haven't updated them saying hey this is actually taking me longer than i expected or this is taking me a lot less time and i found a really efficient way to get it done in half the time.

And so [00:26:00] updating expectations is really important as you go, which is just by having expectation conversations on a regular basis. In fact, my wife and I do it at least once every quarter, not on the same date, like it's not a quarterly meeting, but at least every three to six months, we're having a conversation where.

We're seriously just sitting down going like, how are you seeing the relationship? How are things going for you? Is it, is it still meeting your expectations? Are your expectations changing of me, of our marriage, of our family, and sharing that and being open without judgment? Because I want to make sure that the expectations are up to date and they're not expectations that we're still carrying from before we got married.

And so I found that that tends to help because we tend to grow and evolve together as, We individually grow and evolve and our circumstances change and grow and evolve around us. So I can't emphasize this enough, which is why I'm spending a bit of time on this. [00:27:00] Expectation conversations can completely change the dynamic and empower everybody that's involved.

So I encourage you to do it as often as you can, whether it's professional opportunities, business opportunities, finance opportunities, romantic opportunities. Your sex life with whomever it is, your parenting style if you're a parent, any area of your life, visit your expectations and have those conversations with the people involved because it'll transform the entire experience for everyone.

Now I want to leave you with this quote from Alan Watts. It comes from his book, The Wisdom of Insecurity, and he says here, When each moment becomes an expectation, life is deprived of fulfillment. And I wholeheartedly agree with that. When you're carrying expectations, You're closing yourself down to the synchronicity and the serendipitous moments and potentials of life and so just by opening up and being flexible with your expectations.

Start to [00:28:00] empower yourself to create a completely different dynamic and you increase. The chances of you experiencing gratitude and fulfillment which for me that's what it's about i want to get to the end of my life having experienced a significant amount of gratitude and fulfillment along the way i don't want to grind it out for the sake of grinding it out.

No one at the end of their life has ever appreciated that living and operating that way. So expectations will help you change that and managing your own expectations will certainly help you get there. Alright, with that being said, I hope you got value from this episode. And if you know anybody in your life who's struggling with expectations or know would get some value from it, please share this episode with them.

Trying to get this out to as many people as we can and be as helpful as we can. All right, with that, lots of love. Thank you for being here. I'm Giorgio Genaus, and I'll see you in the next [00:29:00] episode.